Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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