that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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