apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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