Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
this boner is exhausting
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Randomize
