So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Randomize
