I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Randomize
