watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
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