she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Randomize
