I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize
