Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
being pregnant is like rehab
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
