I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Randomize
