No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
You took a bar mat shot.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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