Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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