best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
