I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
