I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
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