i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
