Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
