Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
