am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
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