dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
