Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
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