I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Randomize
