he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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