I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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