At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Randomize
