Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
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