I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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