she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
You made out with two different species that night
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
