Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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