I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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