Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
