Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
