also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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