a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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