You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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