It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Someone came in the potted fern
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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