Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Randomize
