best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
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