its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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