you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
