Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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