then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
