i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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