he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
