I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
