fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
