I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
