I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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