porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
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