i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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