Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
