watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
